Have a Heart: A Movement Inspired by Amy Katherine Erenberger and Eve Woodward-Shawl

"Find a heart, hide a heart, give a heart, speak from the heart, listen with the heart, love with all your heart, and please try not to act like an arrogant ass! lol!

One sunny day over 15 years ago, Amy and I were chatting away as we strode up Spencer’s Butte. Light-footed and light-hearted, we seemed to effortlessly solve all the world's problems with a simple show of compassion, kindness, patience, and the knowing that everyone is always going through something. We smiled at and shared aloha with joggers passing us by, dog walkers, families with children, and the occasional wooks, all enjoying our forested butte hike on blue-sky Oregon days.

We sat at the top, enjoying a broad view of the Willamette Valley and noticing our horizons seemed wider than just an hour prior. Oxygen pumping to our brilliant minds, we felt invincible. We giggled as squirrels fearlessly attempted to get their share of our handfuls of health nuts. Those were the good ol' days! Life seemed simple, and worries easily faded away. Amy and I lifted each other up as we shared our challenges, knowing just how to comfort each other and point out the best in each other. We were extremely blessed, and we knew it. Life was good.

One day, Amy surprised me at the top. She said, “I left something up here for you to charge under the light of the moon. I’m gonna see if it’s still here.” She returned with a small hematite heart, perfect and fully charged up. She had hidden it near a rock she used as a landmark to find it. She placed it in my hands and said, “It’s for you.”

She reminded me of the little rose quartz crystal heart stone I had given her many years prior when we became fast friends and how that inspired her to give a heart.

I was so touched!!! And amazed!!! I knew Amy was special and magic, but that appearance from the big mountaintop of a perfectly hidden, then-found heart blew my mind and my heart wide open. I’ll forever remember the amazing grace, light-hearted spirit, and beauty of my soul sister Amy. She was a gentle soul.

Amy passed away in November of 2023. Her two sons, their fathers, step-mama, and I were present with her, circled around her, praying for her ease in passage. That was a difficult day for us all. We lost an earth angel who had given us all her heart and soul with generosity, compassion, and grace to end.

It’s been a difficult passage for me. I don’t maintain grace like I saw Amy do. I’m loud when I suffer. Losing Amy as my soul sister, companion in motherhood, colleague in colon hydrotherapy, and friend for life has shaken me to my core. Regrets flooded my mind and wishes for anything other than this outcome haunted me. I’ve needed a lot of support to recover my own sense of okayness since then. I hated telling my children; that they loved their auntie Amy and have the fondest memories of her from their childhood. Isaiah looked to her as a second mom. Bonus mom. Probably the fun mom.

Shortly after Amy passed, I heard from my dear friend who helped me during my first year of professional practice of colon hydrotherapy, in the year 2000. Helen G was another epic mama and highly impactful woman during the early years of my attempting to pull off a professional career while single-parenting two boys and having more passion than intelligence. Helen allowed me and convinced her GI doctor, Sarah Brendler, that it was in everyone’s best interest for me to be in attendance with them during her colonoscopy. That ended up being true. That is a grand story for another read…

Helen called to inform me that our beloved Eve had passed away suddenly.

My hula for Eve’s memorial service

Most of you know Eve through her mandala art that she lovingly refers to as Spheracord. Eve gifted me one of her magic energy portals for the Hawaiian sunset room, placed precisely in view while you all open your bowels and express your beautiful poos. It’s quite brilliant, you see, as your root chakra aligns and the blessed water carries light into the depths of your true first brain, your energy centers rearrange, and all your worries and cares to flush down the drain.

The gorgeous mandala is an energy vortex and a meditation centerpiece. White with golden-tipped feathers represents the wind beneath our wings, and life feels a whole heck of a lot lighter all of a sudden. Deep breaths begin to happen naturally and exhales come out with a sigh. It’s real healing happening with all the elements in that special room some of you have frequented!!

Eve is an infinite soul who has helped many souls journey to the other side. A divine death doula, one might say. Eve had a way of comforting those in need. I know this because I called her many times in my time of need. Often in the evenings, when the kids were in bed or at their dad's, my mind would be overactive, and needing someone to lend an ear and give me some heartfelt compassion. The conversations would end with this song Eve would sing to me before I fell asleep into dreamland, feeling totally loved and held by my earth angel Eve.

“My bed is too small for my tiredness. Give me a hilltop with trees. Fluff a cloud up under my head. Someone blow the moon out, please”.

Eve gave me crystal halos, laminated art she once produced in abundance, and most memorably of all, Eve gave me her love and her heart.

So, in loving memory and in honor of my two most precious hearts of all my dear hearts, that I feel helped each other through to the other side (I prayed and asked them to please help each other's passage), I began hiding hearts on trails everywhere I wander. I’ve been giving hearts to strangers and some of my beloveds I’ve felt inspired to give handfuls of hearts to. It ends up a tiny heart placed in a hand or found by a child looking for the little things their lofty parents may never spy can actually turn a cloudy day into a rainbow day. A little heart goes a long way and can make a big change. I’ve seen frowns turn upside down. I’ve seen eyes light up and tear up. I’ve heard laughter and I’ve heard pain turn into passion ignited. I believe that all it takes is one soul to share some heart, and a life can be saved.

I experienced what feels like a near-death TIA (trans-ischemic attack) nearly two weeks ago. I did not know that’s what it was; all I knew is that I regretted dental work that did not go as planned and that my gum and jaw ache turned into a low-grade chronic headache that turned into a raging headache, then hallucinations of lights like at OCF at night. It was scary, and I did not know what to do.

I was on the Big Island and had been hoping to find just the right place to spread some of Amy's ashes as well as record myself dancing one of the hulas that I danced for my beloved Amy after everyone had left her hospital room and I couldn’t bear leaving without one more aloha; then it was time to say goodbye. That was the same hula I danced for Eve's memorial…

I probably did all the wrong things initially. I did not go to the hospital within the golden hour. I did freak out and yell at my hanai sis, then demanded my boyfriend and guests clean up after themselves because I was “off duty.” I went to my bedroom and started looking up stroke symptoms while balling my eyes out. Malia came and held me while I buried my face in her chest and cried rivers. I was also monitoring my vision changes and realizing if I were to die that, it wouldn’t be a terrible place to… It was a sanctuary across from a black sand beach where naked hippy yoga-loving whale-watching magical rainbow men and women pray and sun their yonis from sunrise to sunset. The Bali-inspired yurt-shaped huts were pleasing, and the fragrant wafts of gardenia blowing in the breeze took my tears and helped me to feel moments of peace. I noticed the time and monitored myself as my sis (Malia), and I caught up on the many details of all the recent happenings. Malia was a foster youth who lost her mom the year I met her and adopted her as my sis, and earlier in the year, her dad passed away. So, we needed each other's support. Neither of us knew I had been experiencing a stroke. The Google MD had me believing I was not having stroke symptoms. The next morning, seeing the left side of my face drooped and looking at Google md a bit further, I knew in my heart of hearts that most likely I had experienced a TIA…

So, I did my best to take appropriate measures to increase my oxygen and blood flow, get to the airport, and fly home. That was not super easy, but I did it.

The next day I was in tears again. Utter exhaustion and knew I needed help to strategize getting health care. I was not feeling at death's door, but I knew if my youngest son, Pablo, got wind of my experience, I’d never hear the end of it, so I found my way to urgent care in Junction City, where the wait would not be too long. The doctor there had the right name, Jon (my dad’s name), so I felt immediately at ease. He essentially told me I seemed fine then… He was very kind and thorough, it seemed, so I left thinking maybe I didn’t have a mini-stroke. Wishful thinking is a gift of mine… I had a scheduled appointment the next day for Acupuncture and a follow-up with my primary Naturopath. I then learned how ignorant I was. My ND tried to order me an immediate MRI, but my insurance declined it. Having been in medical and dental debt for the last 6 years, I walked out of there thinking I’m gonna will myself well.

One of my long-time besties, Heather Yielding, wasn’t having it. She patiently educated me and convinced me that my life is valuable and that prevention is more possible with accurate diagnostics.

I had one more major task ahead of me. The final phase of the dental visits that were intended to have been completed 3 weeks prior. Thank Goddess that was completed then I was off to the ER, where my insurance would surely cover the bill. Nine hours later, I was on the verge of another conniption fit but had completed the CAT scan, MRI, EKG, and EEG… I denied their food, drugs, and admission invite. I got the tests and then ran. I ran straight to the farmers market and loaded up on sprouts and fermented black garlic, pussy willows, flower wreaths, and hugs galore. At that point, I figured if I’m gonna croak, I better find a better spot. So I invited my niece Madi to the crystal shop to pick up my special order for Pakistani gemstone hearts and then to catch a sunset walk. I felt halfway calm and decent for the first time in a while. Still exhausted, but I did experience a few moments of peace.

At that point, I hadn’t had a neurology doctor telling me to squat, so once again, I misunderstood as if the tests were inconclusive and there was no evidence of a mini-stroke. So although I thought it might be best to stay home the next day and do an online hula class and online meditation group as is my Sunday rituals… I decided to follow through with a BZen Wellness breathwork, sound, and cacao ceremony since I had registered prior, and a friend reached out.

The ceremony was the best one for me yet. And, at the entrance, Mieke, Amy's childhood friend whom we often ran into on our trail hikes, big, beautiful, beaming blue eyes greeted me. Her hug and warmth reminded me of the sincere love Amy's hugs flooded me with. It was the best feeling to be near another Amy love. And I had brought Amy's Ashes to put on the altar and asked if I could leave some somewhere on their land. Amy definitely appreciates sanctuary and when I had reached out to Amy and learned she hadn’t been well, Amy was staying with a friend on that land just a few blocks away. It seemed appropriate… (although right before leaving Kalapana Moana in Pāhoa big island, I had also gained permission from the land steward to leave some in the Buddha garden, which I did)… Mieke and I together each said prayers of gratitude to our soul sister placed yellow rose petals, and some of Amy's ashes, and hugged each other in the ways Amy would hug us. It was truly divine. Deeply meaningful and uplifting to us both.

As I write this, it’s nearly midnight. I’ve been up since 7 am… My days have been long, and my nights short… and it’s winter, so my circadian rhythm is totally screwed up. My head feels a tiny bit achy. I worked another long day… I get a tiny bit of ringing in my ears, and I feel a bit of fear.

I don’t know when my time will come to leave this beautiful body and this beautiful life on this mystical blue-green planet we call home. Maybe my time is near. I hope not. I’d really like to live a lot more. I’ve worked in the treatment rooms for 40-70 hour weeks almost every week since 2000. I would like to see more of the world beyond those treatment rooms. And, I’d like to stick around for my kids. My dad passed away when he was 46, and it really sucked for me not to have my dad ever since. I’d like to give my sons the healthiest and happiest version of me for as long as possible.

And when I leave, I will take from this place the love that we share. When I leave, I will leave in my place hearts and permission to fart everywhere. lol!!! I will leave a legacy of laughter and love and compassion and kindness, and apparently, a few conniption fits to keep you all knowing I’m truly not a saint.

I do love you all with all of my giant galaxy-sized Valentine's hearts, and you all will have found hidden hearts in the least expected places.

May they serve as a reminder that we all are going through something. Even those who say they are fine and got it under control, maybe even especially those who don’t know their heart from their toes, those who you really want to give a special finger to, those are the ones who need a heart the most. So let’s do our best to show kindness, compassion, and avoid showing our ass side. Give a little heart and find a lot of love.

When I leave, remember the heart I have for you.

Aloha au ia oe, mahalo nui loa, he na’au ku’u ipo!!

I love you, thank you very much, have a heart, my dearest sweethearts.

Ke aloha mai,

Tara Lyn Kahewaialoha Alder

Born 2-14-1972

Spirit will live for eternity through hearts everywhere…